Avenue Q meets Fullmetal
by Zenna95
Summary: Was thinking about how some of the Avenue Q songs might come about and this is what happened. Ed and Al talking about being gay, the homunculi talking about racism... what's next? T for themes, it's an Avenue Q crossover people what'd you expect?
1. If You Were Gay

Alphonse Elric sighed happily.

"Finally, some time alone with an old favorite, A Beginner's Guide To Alchemy. No older brother to bother me. How could this afternoon get any better?" Said older brother was out for the week, a short mission that would end tomorrow- or so Al had thought. He whirled around at the _bang_ of the door hitting the wall as Ed walked in, loud and somewhat annoying, as usual.

"Hi Al! I'm back!" The brown-haired teen concealed a groan.

"Hello brother." His greeting was nearly overrun by Ed's energetic barrage of news.

"Al, you'll never guess what happened on the train back here. This guy was _smiling_ at me, and _talking_ to me." This information was delivered with a hint of contempt, indicating the blonde alchemist had most definitely _not_ instigated this conversation.

"Oh, that's very interesting," mused Al, his polite murmurings once again bowled over as his older brother continued his story.

"He was being really friendly. Heck, I think he was coming on to me. I think he might've thought _I_ was _gay._" An eye roll accompanied this statement, transferring the thoughts in the blonde's head: _'Like that'd ever happen.'_ Alphonse, however, didn't notice, as the book had slipped from his fingers. He hurriedly picked it up, concealing the faint blush that came to his face whenever the topic of sexuality came up in conversation. This happened more often now, with the elder wondering why Al- 16-year-old, healthy, male Al- seemed to display no interest in romance whatsoever.

"So why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care, what'd you have for lunch today?" The younger Elric's words were hurried as he attempted to steer the conversation in a different direction. Ed arched an eyebrow, obviously assuming the wrong reason behind Al's quick words.

"Well you don't have to get all defensive about it, Al-"

"_I'm not getting defensive!"_ Lids slid closed over Alphonse's brass-colored eyes as the teen tried to regain his composure. However, Ed seemed determined to keep his little brother from that goal.

"Well, I didn't _mean_ anything by it, Al, I just think this is something that we should be able to talk about." The younger Elric floundered, scrabbling for some small scrap of sanity.

"I don't _want _to talk about it, brother. This conversation is over."

"Yeah, but-"

"OVER!" Ed sighed.

"Well, okay, but just so you know..." A quick glance in the blonde's direction gave Al the absolutely horrible information that he was in for another of his brother's long, usually embarrassing 'brotherly talks.'

"If you were gay, that'd be okay. I mean 'cause hey, I'd like you anyway." Al buried his face in his book.

"Because you see, if it were me, I would feel free to say that I was gay- but I'm not gay," the elder Elric added hurriedly. Al sighed shakily.

"Brother, please. I am _trying_ to _read._" A few moments passed in silence, with Ed leaning over the back of the sofa, looking sidelong into his little brother's eyes. Eventually, Al got tired of this 'scholarly interest' and inquired of his brother, "_What?_" A grin spread over Edward's face, obviously enjoying his role of 'older brother.'

"If you were queer," he started. Al stood up with an annoyed sigh, book in hand.

"Ah, brother..."

"I'd still be here-" Edward talked with his hands, gesturing wildly, completely ignoring the fact that he was liable to hit and destroy any loose objects in the room.

"Brother, I'm trying to read this book-"

"Year after year-"

"Brother!"

"Because you're dear to me."

"Argh!" The brown-haired teen looked back down at the Beginner's Guide, moving to the other side of the room.

"And I know that you," Ed paused for breath, having barreled straight over all of Al's previous comments and protests.

"What?"

"Would accept me too-"

"I would?" The younger Elric wasn't as sure on that point as his brother seemed to be at this particular moment in time. Right now, the only thing he was willing to accept from Edward was this annoying barrage of 'brotherly encouragement.'

"If I told you today, 'Hey, guess what, I'm gay!' But I'm not gay," the blonde reinforced. By this point, Al was just trying to tune his elder out.

"I'm happy just being with you." Alphonse started listing off elements under his breath to keep his mind occupied on something _other_ than what his brother was saying.

"Hydrogen, helium, lithium, beryllium..." Ed didn't seem to notice, continuing with his 'lecture.'

"So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?" This was too much for the younger teen.

"Brother, that is _wrong!_" The slight blush on Al's face at the beginning of this (admittedly, mostly one-sided) conversation had brightened to a shade reminiscent of a tomato. As normally happened during these talks, Edward completely disregarded his little brother's opinion.

"No it's not! If you were gay, I'd shout 'Hooray!'" Al stared pointedly at his book, deeply hoping that his brother was just running out of ideas and that he didn't truly mean his latest statement.

"I am not listening."

"And here I'd stay," the blonde continued, draping himself over Al's shoulder. His brown-haired little brother immediately shook him off, shaking his head and continuing the list under his breath.

"Neon, sodium, magnesium..."

"But I wouldn't get in your way." Ed was suddenly right in front of his younger sibling, elicting a startled cry from the brown-haired teen.

"Ah!" Alphonse backpedaled quickly, holding the book in front of him like a shield.

"You can count on me to always be beside you every day, to tell you it's okay, you were just born that way, and as they say, it's in your DNA, you're gay!"

"_But I'm not gay!_" His free hand ran through his brown hair, snarling it into as many knots as his sanity must have been in.

"If you _were_ gay!" Alphonse threw up both hands in frustration, dropping the book on a table.

"Agh!" He stalked upstairs and locked himself in his room, not to talk to or even look at his older brother for the next four hours. Downstairs, said older brother looked the way Al had disappeared, confusion evident.

"What?"

* * *

A/Ns:

-I have no clue what prompted me to do this. It was just a random idea. And yes, I _did_ take a few liberties to make it fit the setting better (IE Ed rides a train rather than a subway, Al is reading a book about alchemy rather than Broadway musicals [WHICH DON'T EXIST IN AMESTRIS], etc)

-Much apology to the poor, humiliated Alphonse Elric. It was just too funny to resist typing and posting.

-Reviews are appreciated, flames will be used for toasting marshmallows (and possibly setting said marshmallows on fire to throw at a certain fairy/vampire *cough*EdwardCullen*cough*)

Credits:

Rod...Alphonse Elric

Nicky...Edward Elric

Director/Author...Zenna95 aka "Zenchan"

Special thanks to Hiromu Arakawa and the producers, actors and everyone else who had a part in the original broadway 'Avenue Q' or the manga/anime series 'Fullmetal Alchemist,' neither of which are owned by Zenchan.


	2. Everyone's A Little Bit Racist

Wrath had been curious about something for a long time. A verrry long time, as far as his impatient 12-year-old mind was concerned, but in reality it had only been a few days. He chose today to ask his 'mother' about what had been bothering him, seeing as she seemed more relaxed than normal.

"Hey Mom, can I ask you a question?" The chestnut-haired woman looked over at him, one slender eyebrow arched.

"Of course, dear." The dark-haired homunculus bit the tip of his tongue, trying to phrase this in a way that wouldn't get her mad. Sure, his mom didn't get mad much, but when she did, it was scaaary.

"Wull... y'know Greed, right?" The second of Sloth's eyebrows raised in expectant patience.

"Yes."

"He's a homunculus, and we're homunculi." The woman Wrath had adopted as a mother sighed quietly.

"Yes, Wrath."

"We're all homunculi." Teal eyes rolled in somewhat annoyed amusement. Honestly, the youngest homunculus could be so nitpicky sometimes when he was trying to dance around a topic.

"Yes, Wrath. We already went over that."

"Are we related? Us and him?" The 'mother' homunculus's eyes went wide.

"Wrath, I hope you realize that if you asked anyone else, that comment would be considered racist and rude." Wrath's violet eyes went even wider than his 'mother's.'

"I'm sorry! I was just asking!" Sloth smiled slightly. The child hadn't meant any harm, that much was clear.

"It's considered a touchy subject among the others, little one. They take pride in the fact that we're not alike, so don't bring it up with them, okay?"

"No, no, not at all, I'm sorry, Mom. I guess that was a little racist."

"I should say so, Wrath... we have to be careful when talking about the subject of race." Sloth started to turn away, sure that he couldn't possibly have any more questions.

"Well, who are they to talk?" A mental sigh accompanied the older homunculus's turning around.

"What do you mean?"

"Wull, look at this place." She cast her eyes about the room and found nothing about it relating to their conversation.

"What about it? I fail to see where this is going."

"Could someone like Ed or Al come here? Barring the fact that Envy or someone would probably kill them."

"Of course not, darling, we don't want people like them barging in and-"

"You see? You're a little bit racist."

"Well, you're a little bit too." Sloth tilted her head to the side slightly, mentally urging the preteen to remember his earlier comment.

"I guess we're both a little bit racist-" She cut off the younger for once, finishing his sentence.

"Admitting it is not an easy thing to do."

"But I guess it's true..." Wrath stared up at her, purple eyes daring his 'mother' to contradict him.

"Between me and you, I think everyone's a little bit racist sometimes. That doesn't mean we go around committing hate crimes- you do know what they are, right, Wrath?" The younger homunculus nodded.

"Look around and you will find that no one's really colorblind. Maybe it's a fact we all should face: everyone makes judgments based on race." Sloth's cool cadences rippled over her 'child's' ears like water, easing him into this new information as gently as possible.

"Not big judgments, like who to hunt down, right?"

"Of course not, dear."

"Just little judgments like Cretan travelers need to learn to speak frickin' Amestrian!"

"Right. Everyone's a little bit racist today. _Everyone's _a little bit racist, okay? Ethnic jokes might be uncouth, but people laugh because they're based on truth. Never take them as personal attacks. Everyone enjoys them, so just relax." The dark-haired homunculus cocked his head.

"I think I've heard one... stop me if you've heard it, okay?"

"All right..." Technically the youngest of the homunculi (though by the humans' reckoning, Wrath would be younger), Sloth wasn't going to ask where Wrath had heard this particular joke.

"There's a boat sinking and three men are left on board with only a one-person life raft. A priest, an alchemist-"

"And an Ishbalan." Once again, she couldn't help the chuckle coming out of her throat. He had probably heard the joke from Greed. Unbeknownst to them, Lust had entered the room.

"What are you talking about, Sloth?" Teal eyes shifted their gaze; Lust was still touchy about her Ishbalan heritage, even after 20 or so years of being a homunculus.

"Er..."

"You were telling an Ishbalan joke." Cat-slitted, venomous eyes dropped to Wrath.

"I'll admit it, Lust. But you know it's not uncommon for Amestrians such as myself to tell such things."

"I don't." Wrath felt it was time to defend his 'mother'.

"Of course you don't- you used to be an Ishbalan. But I bet you tell Amestrian jokes, right?"

"Of course I do, Wrath. Those damn Amestrians-"

"But isn't that racist?" Sloth detected a slightly devilish spark in the young boy's eyes as he grinned.

"I guess you're right." The brown-haired homunculus rejoined the conversation as Lust muttered something under her breath.

"You're a little bit racist." Her elder's eyes snapped back up to meet her own blue-green gaze.

"Well, you're a little bit, too." Wrath smoothed things over between the older women.

"We're all a little bit racist." Lust rolled her eyes.

"I think that I would have to agree with you."

"We're glad you do." This was no lie on Sloth's part; the dark-haired, buxom woman could be truly vicious when angered.

"It's sad but true- everyone's a little bit racist, all right?"

"All right."

"All right!" Wrath's enthusiastic response was accompanied by a pleased smile. This simple question had turned out to be more entertaining than he had thought!

"All right. Bigotry has never been exclusively Amestrian. If we all could just admit that we are racist, just a bit, even though we all know that it's wrong, maybe it would help us get along." Wrath stretched, a happy grin plastered on his face.

"God, do I feel better now. Thanks, Mom, Lust."

"There was a fine, upstanding Ishbalan." Wrath stared at his elder like she was insane.

"Who?"

"God. Ishbala." Sloth quickly corrected her.

"Lust, God was Amestrian."

"No, I'm fairly sure Ishbala was Ishbalan." The black-haired child caught in the middle of the argument decided to end it.

"Um... Lust? Sloth? God was Xerxian." The two women stared at each other before chuckling quietly at the idiocy of their argument. They both knew there was no such thing as a 'god'; otherwise, how would they exist? Envy waltzed into the room, habitual smirk plastered across his features.

"Oi, what's everyone laughing about?" Lust rolled her eyes; the man just had to get involved in everything, didn't he?

"Racism." The green-haired homunculus chuckled, his sadistic overtone clear, as always.

"Cool-" Dante's accented voice cut him off.

"ENVY! Get back here! You take out lecycuraburs!" The three homunculi stared at Envy, questioning. They may have taken orders from the woman, but that last word was unfamiliar to all present. Wrath spoke up first.

"What's that mean?" Envy looked away, shoulders hunched. Damn his mother.

"Nn... recyclables. Don't start laughing, brat! How many languages do you speak?" Sloth waved a hand, more relaxed than normal around those who would not attack her.

"Relax, Envy. Everyone's a bit racist."

"Wull I'm not," the eldest sin grumbled.

"No?" questioned his adoptive 'little brother'. Well, technically, Wrath had adopted the older man as a brother and Envy merely dealt with it, but it was the same concept.

"No. How many ancient relatives have you got?" Dante entered the room, regal bearing and commanding aura attracting attention. Of course, the shout didn't hurt, either.

"What? Envy!" Wrath shook his head.

"Envy-niisan, where have you been? The word's 'senior citizen'." Sloth doubted her 'son' was actually that knowledgeable, and suspected he was just trying to get a rise out of his 'older brother'. Their leader glared at her son, blue eyes angry.

"I know you is no intending to be, but calling me ancient- offensive to me!" For once, the sadistic, evil homunculus grew sheepish, staring at the floor and shifting his weight from one leg to the other.

"Sorry mom... love ya, and all that good crap..." Despite his wording, Dante relaxed, blue eyes warming.

"And I love you." Certain he wasn't going to be punished now, the object of the matriarch's maternal affection looked up boldly, purple eyes flashing deviously.

"You're racist too." The blonde woman rolled her eyes.

"Yes, I know. The Xerxians have all the money, and the Amestrians have all the power. But I always stuck in carriage with driver who no shower!" Wrath and Sloth's voices joined the conversation once more.

"Me too!"

"Me too..."

"I can't even get a carriage," mumbled Lust.

"Everyone's a little bit racist, it's true. But everyone is just about as racist as you." Sloth patted the youngest homunculus on the head.

"If we all could just admit that we are racist, just a bit, and everyone stopped being so politically correct, maybe we could live in harmony." Wrath smiled up at his 'mother' as Lust vanished from the room, Envy attempting to follow.

"Evlyone's a ritter bit lacist," finished Dante, before shooing her son upstairs and following him. The chestnut-haired homunculus looked down at her 'son'.

"Does that answer your question?"

* * *

**A/N's: **Okay, this turned out to be harder to write than I expected. And yes, I had to majorly edit some parts to make it fit the Amestrian world. Transversions from the original song:

Monsters=Homunculi

Humans= Ed & Al

Spanish= Cretan

Black= Ishbalan

Polack/White= Amestrian

Oriental= ancient. I know this one's a stretch, but since Xerxian was already taken, I couldn't... Dante's most certainly not Xingese, and there's really no other adjective befitting the series while staying canonical. Especially given Envy's disrespect.

Also, I had to change some of the tech stuff, IE instead of a plane with one parachute it's a boat with one life jacket, and a taxi has been changed to a carriage. And for those who say "Amestrians use cars" if you look at some of the manga chapters, people DO still ride carriages. It's 1920s-era, meaning people are still converting over to cars. If all else fails, call it artistic license ^.~

As always, reviews are welcome, flames will be given to Roy Mustang.


	3. It Sucks to be Me

"Morning, Brigadier General!" Into Roy Mustang's previously almost-empty office walked a tall woman with curly black hair bound into a ponytail. The higher-ranked officer arched an eyebrow at the woman's new decorations.

"Hey, Rebecca. You made it to First Lieutenant?" She nodded, smiling.

"Yup! Transferred here to Eastern, too, to work under you. So how's life?" The general sighed, shaking his head and shrugging resignedly.

"Disappointing."

"What's the matter?" Disregarding about ten different rules, first lieutenant Rebecca Catalina sat on his desk, scattering paperwork everywhere. Roy gestured at the now-destroyed status of his previously organized desk.

"I've got thirty recruits trying to resign, and four different generals trying to get me to quit as well." The dark-haired woman sighed.  
"I'm sorry."  
"Me too! I mean, look at me! I'm ten years out of the academy, and I always thought..."  
"What?" The raven-haired Brigadier General shook his head.  
"No; it sounds stupid." Rebecca made huge puppy eyes.  
"Aww, come on!"  
"When I was little, I thought I would be..." Again, Mustang trailed off, prompting his new subordinate to ask, "What?"  
"A big comedian on late-night TV, but now I'm 32, and as you can see... I'm not." He gestured at the piles of paperwork in front of him.  
"Nope."  
"Oh well... It sucks to be me."  
"No," protested Becky.  
"It sucks to be me."  
"No!" The negative was louder this time.  
"It sucks to be broke, and out of luck, and turning thirty-three! It sucks to be me!" Rebecca slipped off the desk, propping her hands on her hips.  
"Oh, you think _your _life sucks?" Somehow, it had turned into a contest.  
"I think so."  
"Your problems aren't so bad. I'm kind of pretty, and pretty damn smart," started the lieutenant.  
"You are." The raven-haired officer was always ready to slip a compliment into a conversation with a pretty young lady.  
"Thanks. I like romantic things, like music and art, and, as you know, I have a gigantic heart, so why don't I have a boyfriend? Fuck, it sucks to be me!"

"It sucks to be _me!_ It sucks to be Mustang-"  
"And Becky-"  
"To not have luck-"  
"To not have a date-"  
"It sucks to be _me_!" They finished, the woman shifting forward to plant her hands on the desk. At that moment, lieutenants Falman and Breda came in, bickering; Catalina turned to stare. Roy raised a hand and called over the din, "Falman! Breda? Can you settle something for us? Do you have a second?"  
"Certainly." As always, Falman was courteous (dare one say 'stuffy'?) in both speech and action; he saluted his General.  
"Whose life sucks more, Roy's or mine?" Neither man hesitated before answering, in perfect unison, "_Ours_!" Mustang arched an eyebrow.  
"We live together."  
"We're close as people can get." The pair shared a room in the barracks; anyone who stayed in the office for two hours could figure that out.  
"We've been the best of friends-"  
"-Ever since the day we met." Occasionally, though, it would get mildly disturbing. Like now, when they finished each others' sentences.  
"So he knows a lot of ways to make me rather upset! Every day is an aggravation."  
"Come on, that's an exaggeration!" Breda, understandably, interrupted to defend himself.  
"You leave your clothes out; you put your feet on my chair!" Again, a simple argument turned into a competition.  
"Oh yeah? You do such anal things, like ironing your underwear!" Mustang gagged quietly. _'TMI, guys. Really.'_  
"You make that very small apartment we share a hell!"  
"So do you! That's why I'm in hell too!"  
"It sucks to be me!" The original competitors gaped; the grey-haired lieutenant was _never_ this informal during work hours.  
"No, it sucks to be _me_!" Breda's outburst was more common than his roommate's.  
"It sucks to be me!" Rebecca joined the fray once more.  
"It sucks to be me!" Roy was the last to indulge in this argument.  
"Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be? It sucks to be me!" The four (well, three, really; Falman had recomposed himself) laughed at their synchronization. A fifth person joined them, arching an eyebrow over wide, amber eyes.  
"Why you all so happy?" No one commented on the eastern-oriented accent of the markswoman's voice.  
"'Cause our lives suck!" However, not even the scariest sight on Earth could change Breda's bluntness.  
"_Your_ lives suck? I hearing you correctly? _Ha!_" The blonde woman stepped farther into the office, closing the door behind her. "I coming to this region for opportunity; try to work my way up rank- but I am stuck lieutenant! But with hard work I earn my way up chain command! And now I am Captain! But I have a hopeless fianceé, and we have _lots of bills to pay_!" With this latest statement, the fearsome female glared at Roy, and it was only then that everyone noticed the slim gold band around her finger. "It suck to be me! It suck to be me! I say it sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-suck! It suck to be me!" In the following silence, a certain black-haired sergeant poked his head into the room.  
"Excuse me?"  
"Hey there." Mustang acknowledged the young officer's presence.  
"Sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for one General Mustang..." The higher-ranked female in the room played along.  
"Why you looking all the way out here?"  
"Well, I started out in Eastern, but so far no one's been able to find him. But this seems to be the right place- oh, look, someone who might be his twin!" Catching on, Roy smirked.  
"You need to talk to his friend. Let me get him. HEY, HAVOC!"  
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Fury moved out of the way, allowing a wheelchair-bound, blond man to enter the room. The sergeant feigned awe.  
"Oh my god, it's Jean Havoc!" The man smirked at his superior officer.  
"I'm Jean Havoc from Central military. I had a lot of girlfriends that my superior stole from me. Now I'm single, and I'm the butt of everyone's jokes, but here I am, the best friend of Gen'ral Mustang."  
"It sucks to be you!" chorused the rest of the group.  
"You win!" Rebecca told Jean, leaning on the back of his wheelchair.  
"It sucks to be you!"  
"I feel better now," drawled Mustang.  
"Try having people stopping you to ask you, 'Where's your girlfriend, Havoc?' It gets _old_."  
"It sucks to be you, in Central HQ. It sucks to be me, in Central HQ. It sucks to be you, in Central HQ. It sucks to be us- but not when we're together. We're together, here in Central HQ! We work in Central HQ; our friends do too. 'Til our dreams come true, we work in Central HQ." _'Okay,' _thought Mustang,_ '__**when**__ exactly did this turn into a musical?'  
_"This is real life," quipped Kain.  
"We work in Central HQ."  
"Get used to it, kid," Breda told the young officer.  
"We work in Central HQ."  
"Here he is!"  
"Welcome to Central HQ!"

**A/N: Okay, okay, I know… I vanished… Look, I'm finally posting something…! Meh. It's hard to be excited with a headache induced by lack of sleep and the first day of school.**

**Roy=Brian**

**Rebecca Catalina= Kate**

**Breda= Nicky**

**Falman= Rod**

**Havoc= Gary Coleman**

**Hawkeye= Christmas Eve**

**Fuery= Princeton**


End file.
